


Alarmed

by Kitexa



Category: X-Men: First Class (2011) - Fandom
Genre: 1960s, Angst, Drabble, Homophobia, M/M, social stigmatism
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-04-17
Updated: 2013-04-17
Packaged: 2017-12-08 18:04:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 511
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/764362
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kitexa/pseuds/Kitexa
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>That moment you realize "best friend" isn't enough.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Alarmed

**Author's Note:**

> Written as a tumblr prompt, but my muse ran away with me.  
> Hints at a couple things in my excruciatingly complex headcanon. Hoping to actually explore that in full one day and clear it up.

_From the scripted thoughts of Charles F. Xavier:_

_June 8, 1962_

_There’s something wrong with me._

_I think…I’m not saying I do but I think…FUCK I think I like Erik. I mean..LIKE him, attraction, that sort of thing. I never…shit. SHIT how did this happen?? He’s…and I’m…we CAN’T dammit I thought I’d gotten over this. I’m NOT gay, men AREN’T appealing that’s the way it bloody IS. But I just…he’s so…there’s something about him I can’t turn away from. Not like Raven, Moira—well, Moira’s a bad example—but the others, Hank, Sean, Alex…he’s different. his mind’s…I can’t explain it but there’s something hauntingly beautiful about that mind. He’s been through such tragedy, it breaks my heart…I mean, I’ve seen my share of the war but never experienced it…I’m surprised (and impressed, if I’m honest) Erik didn’t snap the way my step-father did. He’s—Erik’s—by no means alright, nor should he be but there’s a strength there I’ve not felt in someone for a long time…_

_That wasn’t my sister. And I am NOT attracted to my sister._

_Even that would be…no, that would be more difficult but at LEAST she’s a woman._

_And adopted._

_Taboo, yes but (why am I writing this, I don’t love Raven, I ~~love~~ like Erik)_

_I like Erik._

_My friend._

_My MALE friend._

_I’m attracted to a man. A MAN of all things I don’t know what to do. I’m an ample liar when I need to be but the closer we grow the more it hurts to look at him. I like him. I can’t. I want…I want to hold him or kiss (I want to KISS him ERIK SHIT DAMMIT) him, but I CAN’T._

_And it’s getting so hard to continue like nothing’s wrong. When he looks at me during chess, I’m almost certain he can see the blush. Or that time I ran into him on the way back from the shower rooms…poor Sean…couldn’t give him proper attention, that day…_

_Ugh._

_I wish someone here understood. Moira’s my closest companion next to Erik of late (Raven’s off doing who knows what with Hank; I swear if he touches her he’ll be mowing the lawn with his mouth for a week) and after Russia I certainly can’t go to her with this._

_She’s not **that** strong. _

_Plus, I’m not sure what the CIA would do, if they knew they’d…someone like me leading them. They’re already skeptical about mutants; this is societal murder.  
 ~~I’m almost tempted to drive down to the home~~ Idiot. Kurt’s not well. Better, but not well. If I upset him…_

_DAMMIT WHAT DO I DO?!_

_How do I handle this?!_

_I don’t know. I have no idea how to deal with this sort of thing, and I’ve been to a bloody nut house TWICE. Think I’d have picked something up._

_Ugh…whatever. I’ll address it in the morning. I’m tired, and in need of a cold shower._

_Good night._

_-Charles F. Xavier_

**Author's Note:**

> I should note that I write for Charles with the mindset of a man in the 60s. If it seems at all homophobic, it's only because of the time period he lives in and the way (I think) he was raised. Nothing more.


End file.
